21 Feb Trusting God to Conceive a Rainbow Baby

My testimony is one filled with heartache, anger, joy, miracles and awe of God. I want to start off by saying you’re not alone in this. I hear you and I see you.

We started trying to conceive in January of 2021. We were so excited.. until we weren’t. Months passed, I continued to feel the ache with every “no”. I became angry. I had been a Christian my whole life. I couldn’t understand why this was God’s plan. Shamefully, I would look at others around me who were reckless and thought, “why them and not me?” I was mad at God.

As the months went on, I started to change my perspective. I remembered the times Jesus wept. I knew He wasn’t indifferent to my pain. We were diagnosed with “infertility” in December of 2021. In August of 2022, we had our first IUI, which failed. In September of 2022, we had another IUI, which was successful. We were over the moon. The prayers and tears were worth it. I thought the hardship was over… until it wasn’t. At my 8 week appointment, River, no longer had a heartbeat.

My first thought was why? I felt numb and empty. Revival happened to be going on that week. God tugged at my heart to go, even though I could barely get out of bed. On my way there, I kept telling God I was in pain. Then something happened that radically changed my life. I heard the words, “I know, child”. I knew it was God. I’ve never told anyone that. It changed my perception of Jesus and this path.

Since then I have accepted that this was the path I was on. Though I don’t want it, I do understand there may be someone out there who needs to hear this story. I know my baby lives in heaven, I’m not in denial of that truth, however, I did pray for a baby, God gave me a baby. I prayed to be a mother, God made me one.

We are currently TTC for our rainbow. I know in my heart another miracle will happen. I have faith it will for you, too. Everything you feel is normal. Everything you feel is valid. God is with you, friends. Keep fighting, keep praying.