19 Dec God Sees Me
At the 2023 Moms in the Making conference, I went to a breakout session called “Shout of Hope.” The speaker, Jevanna, was engaging the audience with questions. “How many of you…” type of questions. She was talking about Hannah in the Bible. She asked the question, “How many of you have a Peninnah in your life that taunts you about your infertility?” I raised my hand. I started thinking about the times a close family member was cruel to me regarding my fertility and I was overwhelmed with grief.
I was trying to not make a scene, but sobs were sneaking out of me. I was shaking. She saw me and stopped to pray for me. She called me by name and said, “God sees you.” I don’t think that was a generic thing she says to upset women, I think she asked the Holy Spirit what I needed to hear. I was able to take some deep breaths and calm down.
Later, I reflected on what happened. If God truly sees me then He already knows that my family member is my Peninnah. He wanted me to know that He knows what was occurring. Like Hannah’s story, He wants something better for me that is taking awhile to happen.
If it were not for the deep pain of being taunted on the sensitive topic of fertility, I would not have found the motivation to change my life. I would have continued to stay in this abusive relationship. Taunting me on a less sensitive topic, such as being overweight, was something I just endured. That motivation got me to my first Moms in the Making conference.
Since then, I found a community of women who support and encourage me. It has caused me to learn how to identify abuse and how to use boundaries. My mental health has greatly improved the past couple of years. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. God did not cause my pain, but He knew that something good could come out of it.
I have found a new deep gratitude to God the Father for what my life has become. Gratitude for my present life, even without a child. Honestly, I did not think I could ever get to a point where I could say that, but God is so good.