11 Apr God Healed My Heart From Feeling Unworthy
Last year, I was blessed to be the 2022 recipient of the Moms in the Making ‘Grow Fund.’ It was an amazing surprise to round off a year God had spent revealing to me my worth to Him and how much He loved every part of His creation. I was honored and felt His love…until I didn’t.
As much as I felt His love then, shortly after I felt guilty because someone else in that conference room was believing for treatment medication and we didn’t even have a plan. I felt shame because we had to use the funds on something that wasn’t an appointment. And I questioned, “What did we miss?” and “What will I say when they ask what we did with such a blessing?”
Last weekend, we had our annual Leader Retreat. First of all, no one asked where that money went because no one cared. That was the first lie I believed. That the next time people saw me, I’d better be prepared to give an account. The second lie was rooted deep and its roots revealed at Leader Retreat: I may be redeemed. I may be loved. He’s already promised to meet my basic needs. But I would never be worthy of His abundance and overflow. God had even spent time with me, showing me the difference between money as seed and money as bread. And still, the lie persisted.
Last weekend, I learned unworthiness is a lie that can be rooted in trauma. And it manifests differently. Though it wasn’t discussed directly, He showed me that in my life, unworthiness was rooted in childhood poverty. Last weekend, He showed me I hadn’t learned how to see His abundance. How could He deny me something He promised? He wasn’t. The scales were removed at retreat, and I could finally hear Him and believe Him deeply when He said more than once, “I will tend to you.” All I have to do is live as the creation He had spent almost a year showing that He adored.